POTSC: unedited version

*This blog is the result of being asked to share my story on People of the Second Chance. What follows is the unedited version. Some of the content has been taken from previous blogs.
 

--> This is my confession.

Cheater. Liar. Manipulator. Unrepentant. Divorced. Deceiver. Hypocrite. Disqualified.

These labels describe my life at some level. They are an ugly but real part of my story.

Once a recognized church planter, lead pastor, and conference speaker with 2 Master’s degrees and a PhD, I allowed sin to destroy my life. I still remember the feelings of guilt and shame I experienced the first time I was unfaithful to my wife. And yet somehow I convinced myself that I was the exception to the rule. In my mind, my sin would not be exposed. I would survive. Yes I attempted to stop with my own tainted willpower. I hid my sin. I lied. I covered. I did what was necessary to protect my self and my reputation. But eventually my unrepentant sin caught up to me and my world came crashing in.  

January 9th 2011 was the most difficult day of my life to this point.

On that day, I walked off the stage for the last time of a church I had planted. Ironically, my last Sunday as the Founding Pastor of Grace Point Church was also our 5-year anniversary as a church. Grace Point is a vision God planted in my heart years earlier that became a reality in 2006 when about 135 people gathered in a middle school cafeteria in North Las Vegas and Grace Point Church was officially born.  

For over six years, Grace Point Church was my life. I loved it. I lived it. I breathed it. I was obsessed with it. The church grew and so did my ego. Recognition led to pride. And as the church evolved, my marriage deteriorated.  Soon I convinced myself that other women knew me better and cared about me more than my own wife. I didn’t just give up on a relationship. I gave up on a person. I believed that she could never fully meet my needs. I failed to believe God was big enough to heal my relationship. And as a result, I fell prey to one of the most common misconceptions and temptations known to man and soon I was involved in an adulterous relationship.

Living a façade is grueling. I was leading a church and teaching the Bible while I was perpetuating a lie behind the scenes. And somehow I believed that I could survive. I was even confronted on a couple of occasions about the obvious dangers of relationships I allowed to develop and instead of repenting of my sin and yielding myself to proper accountability, I lied. I shut people out. I intimidated. I manipulated.

Looking back, I don’t believe I deceived people in order to hurt them. I misled people in order to protect the life I knew. Ministry is all I knew. It was my life. I was good at it. And so I lied. I lied because I saw no other legitimate option. I knew if my sin were exposed, I would lose everything. And in my mind, I had nowhere to turn so I lied. And eventually I felt dirty but invincible.

And then in one random, unexpected moment, we were caught. The lies were exposed. And suddenly, everything I knew was gone. Because of my own selfish and sinful choices, I forfeited the right to lead the very church God birthed in my heart years earlier.  In a few days time, everything Devin Hudson related (name, sermons, videos, etc.) were erased from the website of a church that exists because of a God call in my heart. I didn't even have the opportunity to say goodbye. And it all happened for one reason: my sin.

The last official thing I did as the Lead Pastor of the church we planted to reach messy people was to share the gospel. After a day of celebration and reflection on our 5+ year journey, I shared the gospel one final time, walked off the stage, collapsed in the arms of a friend, and wept like a baby knowing my life would never be the same - and there was no one to blame but me.

On that same day, I had the toughest conversations I have ever had in my life as my secret sin and its subsequent consequences were revealed to my family, friends, and those God had entrusted me to lead and serve. I will NEVER forget the cries of anguish from my kids on that day. I will never forget the pain I caused my first wife. Even as I type the words, that memory still hurts my heart deeply and brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. I do not wish that feeling and experience on anyone. I live every day with that memory.

On that fateful day, everything I knew professionally and personally was forever changed. The hurt I felt and caused cannot be explained. It can only be experienced. I live with the reality of my choices every single day. I hurt more people than I even know. Everything I was and am was called into question. As I have heard it said many times, "It takes years to build a reputation but only a moment to destroy it."

Since that ominous day, my life has been filled with a lot of ups and downs. I have gone through a divorce. Relocated. Remarried. And taken my place in life outside the "ministry" world I had known so long. My life now is a direct result of a cycle of selfish choices. For an extended period of time, I allowed my heart to wander from the God who planted that initial vision in my heart. Eventually it caused me to develop and live a pattern of sinful decisions that disqualified me from the church I started from scratch. In short, I became a statistic.

Enter Grace. Grace is the difference between life being over and life starting over.

To say life since January 2011 has been difficult would be an extreme understatement. No one knows the pain, hurt, regret, guilt, and remorse that we have been through. As the old adage goes, "until you walk a mile in another person's shoes."  And yet through the immensity of the pain and severity of the consequences, God never stopped pursuing and loving me. After all, He is the God of second chances.

God has been healing my heart. Admittedly it is a long and arduous journey at times. I still live with the weight and guilt of my choices. I still live with the consequences of my actions. I don’t get to kiss my kids every night before bed. My life is different than anything I have ever known or experienced.
And yet God is molding me. I understand grace differently than ever. I cling to the life-transforming power of the gospel more tightly than ever. I guard my heart more closely than ever. I am more intentional in my marriage and as a parent. I understand hurt. I empathize with those who are struggling or fallen. God is at work.

I have no idea what my future holds. People ask me if I miss full-time ministry. And my answer is yes and no. I miss teaching. I miss leading. I miss creating. I miss seeing life change on the front lines. I miss watching a God-given vision come to fruition.  I don't miss the pressure to measure up. I don't miss the loneliness. I don't miss the expectations placed on you by your own distorted self and by others. I don't miss the continual struggle to grow more, do more, reach more, give more, etc. So yes I miss it in so many ways but in so many other ways I do not.  Will I ever return to full-time ministry? Only God knows. In the meantime, I am going to focus on what He is teaching me right now and allow Him to guide my next steps. I've tried the other route and it didn't turn out so well.

Recently a young man named Jesse was killed tragically in Las Vegas. Jesse, along with his mother and his brother, were some of the first people I baptized at Grace Point.  Their story is one of God redeeming broken people. And in the midst of this horrific tragedy, God reminded me, "Devin, that's why I sent you to Las Vegas."  God was and continues to be bigger than my sinful choices.  He was faithful even when I was not.  And because His grace is bigger than my sin, the story of Jesse ends different.  His story is a celebration of a life transformed by the love of Jesus. I have been reminded of this blessing when I talked to Jesse's grieving mother who amidst this disaster has hope. She has hope because in the end Jesus wins and death loses. It is the same hope that resides in my heart and in my story today.

Here is what I am learning through my healing process: God exchanges our labels for His.  And here is just a glimpse of how God sees me:

Loved. Forgiven. Justified. Accepted. Valuable. Redeemed. Chosen. Called.

God is the God of Second Chances. He is the God who transforms, heals, restores, mends, and reconciles. He is the God who makes all things new.

Statistics suggest that my second marriage will fail. Grace screams otherwise. Statistics say that I will be unfaithful to my wife again. Grace says otherwise. Statistics declare I am finished. Grace announces otherwise. Statistics say I am confined to the sidelines. Grace proclaims otherwise. Statistics state my story is a tragedy. Grace pronounces otherwise.

I’m not sure what the next chapter of my life will read but I do know what the final words of the final chapter will say: because of Jesus, grace wins every time.  And for that reason, my story is just getting started.

Welcome to People of the Second Chance.

Unexpected Blessings

I travel almost every weekend of my life. My normal schedule is to leave Thursday afternoon and return on Sunday night.  While this schedule allows me to focus on my children on the 3 1/2 days I have them, it does cause me to miss out on some aspects of their lives as well. One of the most difficult consequences of my choices is not being able to kiss my kids good night every night and the small moments I miss when they are with their mom. It is one of the small things I took for granted during my pre-divorce days.

This past weekend I was scheduled to be in the Midwest but our event was cancelled at the last minute due to the crippling wintery weather in that region so I received an unexpected weekend off. Here are a few of the unexpected blessings I got this weekend that I tended to take for granted in the past.

- I got to hang out with Zac and Ragan on Friday night and watch a movie.
- I got to take care of one of my children when she was sick.
- I got to go on a one-on-one date with Kayleigh.
- I got to watch a UNC game with Kayleigh.
- I got to go out on a date with my wife and some friends.
- I got to go to church on Sunday morning with my wife.
- I got to go to church on Sunday evening with my kids.
- I got to spend extra one-on-one time with my wife.
- I got to spend time with my kids every day of the weekend.
- I got to attend a community event with my wife. 
- I got to be lazy and watch TV with my wife.
- I got to sleep in my own bed.

Sometimes the small blessings of life are the ones we take for granted the most. Thank you God for giving me a weekend to celebrate the unexpected blessings.

Identity Theft

Violated. Vulnerable. Exposed. Afraid.

Last weekend, my computer bag and all its contents were stolen at LAX airport.  The hope that a Good Samaritan had simply picked up my bag and turned it in quickly vanished when I realized someone was invading my privacy and trying to hack into my accounts.  My glimmer of hope was replaced quickly with feelings of vulnerability and desperation - especially considering the fact we have limited access to banks on the weekend.

The next several hours and days of my life brought out a full range of emotions in me but the one overall feeling that I could not shake was the reality of being exposed and vulnerable to the destructive efforts of someone I do not know trying to steal what is mine.

I have to admit that those feelings have not completely dissipated and I still feel a level of vulnerability and exposure.

Having someone steal your identity is a horrible experience and feeling. Rest assured that I will never make the simple mistakes again that I made with my previous laptop. I have learned the hard way not to put passwords or save information on a computer that other people can steal and use for destructive purposes. And yes it can happen to you!

As a Jesus follower, there is a destructive Enemy whose desire is to steal my identity and destroy who I am in Jesus.  The New Testament uses injurious words like maim, destroy, kill, consume, and rob to describe the vindictive intentions of our spiritual enemy.

If the enemy can steal your identity, he can cause you to live life with feelings of vulnerability, failure, shame, guilt, inadequacy, and captivity. If he can cause you to focus on who you are or are not as a person instead of who you are in Jesus, then he can limit your influence and effectiveness.

Paul is very clear that our identity is to be found in Christ. We are to base our identity upon what Jesus has done for us and not what we do or do not do for Him. Identity begins what He has done and what He is doing on our behalf.

There is a thief who wants to steal your identity in Jesus. He wants you to focus on your failures, sins, past, weaknesses, and struggles. He does not want you to live with the full confidence of knowing your identity is found exclusively in Jesus. And he will do whatever he can to rob you of that identity.

Bottom line: protect yourself.  Guard your heart.  Focus on what Jesus has done on your behalf. Live life in the confidence that comes in knowing your spiritual identity is found exclusively in Jesus.

Identity Theft is a harsh reality in a broken world. There are thieves out there who have no problem taking what is yours and exposing your vulnerability in the process. Protect yourself. And do not forget in the process that there is an even greater threat whose desire is to destroy your soul by robbing your identity in Jesus. And remember this threat is only a moment away.

(Un)Preferred Endings

"... and they lived happily ever after."

We love preferred endings. We love happily ever afters - the fairy tale endings of life.

Preferred endings...

... and they repented of their adultery and reconciled with their spouses.
... and God heard their prayers and he was healed.
... and she never struggled with her addiction again.
... and he never fell prey to his sexual temptation again.
... and the cancer never returned.

We struggle with endings we do not prefer.

... and they divorced their spouses and married each other.
... and the child died.
... and she ended up back in rehab.
... and he had sex with him again.
... and the cancer returned.

Redemption is the central theme of the Jesus story.  Jesus came on a rescue mission to save those who can't save themselves. He does the impossible - He redeems the non-redeemable. But what happens when that redemption follows a path we don't prefer? 

What happens when he refuses to repent? When she sins again? When death steals away someone we love? When there is no reasonable explanation? When things don't work out like we prefer?

It seems there is a tendency among Jesus followers to withdraw when the ending seems to be headed in a direction we do not prefer. We celebrate preferred endings.  We tend to hide, ignore, doubt, question, and criticize the others.

Question: can I trust God with the endings I don't prefer?  Do I trust God is capable of genuine redemption even when the endings looks different and takes longer than I prefer? Better yet, will I remain a part of the redemption process even when the road gets rough?

Remember a chapter is not the whole book - a detour is not the entire journey - a season does not dictate the totality of one's life. 

Grace provides preferred endings. But Grace also prevails even in moments when the ending looks different than what we prefer.

Two Years Later

January is the month of fresh starts and new beginnings. It is when resolutions are made with gritty determination. January offers new opportunities.

I must admit that the first of the year is a tough time for me. It brings feelings of both positive reflection and deep regret.  It was January 2005 that I moved my young family to Las Vegas with a God-sized vision to create a community that would promote grace to people trapped in sin. It was January 2006 that dream became a reality and Grace Point Church was born. And it was in January each year that we would celebrate what God was doing through broken people to redeem other broken people in a broken city. And sadly it was in January 2011 that my own brokenness and refusal to turn from my sin led to my own demise.  Last January I wrote here and here about my "life outside of ministry" and what God taught me in year one.  Two years removed from that fateful day, here are some things God continues to teach me.

Healing is a process
God has done amazing things in our hearts in the last year. He continues to heal our wounded and sinful hearts. His work is ongoing. The same rings true when it comes to healing relationships. I was reminded earlier this year that I could not "fix" every relationship I injured through my choices but I can allow God to heal my heart and trust He is capable of redeeming those relationships beyond my control.  It is a tough process for a recovering control freak like me yet God continues to teach me to trust Him in this area.  And the good news: He is healing the most important of those relationships.

God is faithful
One of the harsh realities of a ministry-centered life is that once that ministry is removed from the equation there are very few viable options to sustain a living. I believe this one small reality keeps a lot of people in full-time ministry who would bail otherwise (a scary thought).  Before stepping away from Grace Point, all I knew was ministry. I had been involved in vocational ministry for 20 years. I had 2 Master's degrees and a PhD. And then suddenly I had no income. There was no severance package and no plan B. My financial security was forfeited in a single weekend. And yet God has been faithful.  He has faithfully provided for us financially when I was unfaithful.

Grace defies statistics
Statistics say that our second marriage will fail. Most do. After my One Year Later post, one of my former mentors e-mailed me to inform me that my second marriage will not make it. It was destined to fail. His harsh words hurt. And yet in that same season, God spoke clearly into our lives to let us know that His grace defies statistics. According to statistics, our marriage is destined to fail. According to grace, God wants our marriage to flourish.

It is easier to talk about the gospel than to live it out
Theory is easy. Application is difficult. In some ironic way, my sinful choices also brought out the ugliness in those closest to the situation as well. Thankfully a few of those closest to us have been able to process through the ugliness and extend forgiveness to us as we have asked and also ask for forgiveness for the sins that they perpetuated in the process (lies, gossip, slander, etc). Sadly, most have not. But guess what? I get it. I get it because I have lived it.  Talking about the gospel and its transforming power? Simple. Believing it is truly as transforming as we claim? Difficult. When most people tell our story, it most often ends with our sin. But when Jesus tells our story, it ends with how He is redeeming us from our sin.

Investing in broken leaders is tough
I honestly can't remember the last time I received a phone call, e-mail, text or any other form of communication from someone who invested in me "pre-fall" who just wanted to know how I am doing and what God is doing in my life.  Again - that is okay because I get it. I have lived it. But it does remind me that we tend to invest in those we believe have the most potential and remove ourselves from the ones who temporarily disqualify themselves from leadership in the battle. Thankfully God does not give up on leaders with issues. He restores, redeems, and uses them for His glory.

Life is a teacher
I made huge mistakes as a husband, father, person, pastor, and leader. My sin cost me deeply. Life taught me some cruel lessons. I am learning from my failures. And through God's grace, I am striving to be a husband, father, and person who honors Jesus and those entrusted to my influence.   

I have no idea what my future holds. People ask me if I miss full-time ministry. And my answer is yes and no. I miss teaching. I miss leading. I miss creating. I miss seeing life change on the front lines. I miss watching a God-given vision come to fruition.  I don't miss the pressure to measure up. I don't miss the loneliness. I don't miss the expectations placed on you by your own distorted self and by others. I don't miss the continual struggle to grow more, do more, reach more, give more, etc. So yes I miss it in so many ways but in so many other ways I do not.  Will I ever return to full-time ministry? Only God knows. In the meantime, I am going to focus on what He is teaching me right now and allow Him to guide my next steps. I've tried the other route and it didn't turn out so well.

This past week, a young man named Jesse Hill was killed tragically in Las Vegas. Jesse, along with his mother Crystal and his brother Jeremy, were some of the first people baptized at Grace Point.  Their story is one of God redeeming broken people. And in the midst of this horrific tragedy, God reminded me, "Devin, that's why I sent you to Las Vegas."  God was and continues to be bigger than my sinful choices.  He was faithful even when I was not.  And because His grace is bigger than my sin, the story of Jesse Hill ends different.  His story is a celebration of a life transformed by the love of Jesus. I have been reminded of this blessing this week when I have talked to Jesse's grieving mother who amidst this disaster has hope. She has hope because in the end Jesus wins and death loses. It is the same hope that resides in my heart today.

The first week of January will always be a time of reflection, regret, and yes celebration - celebration of a Jesus who redeems and continues to redeem broken people. 

Christmas amidst Tragedy

"In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not over come it" (John 1:4-5).

I have been reflecting on this non-traditional Christmas passage the last few days and spent some time talking through John's Christmas account with my wife and kids last night. These verses seem particularly relevant considering the tragic events of recent days.

- 26 innocent adults and children slaughtered in a school by a deranged madman
- 22 children slashed in a knife attack outside a Chinese school
- Shootings in a mall, a casino, and a hospital
- Just last night a 16-year-old athlete in my daughter's school dropped dead on the football field of cardiac arrest

And on and on and on ...

Evil permeates every facet of our world and as a result death pervades our everyday lives.

My heart has hurt this week as I have thought about the harm that evil instigated on harmless children. Sin and its counterpart Death know no limits in their destructive reach. And in their wake, they leave pain beyond comprehension. The world is a dark, dark place.

Enter the Christmas story.

In the Christmas story, God enters our world (John 1:14). In Jesus, life and light cross the threshold and enter the realm of death and darkness.

While sin is about death and darkness, the gospel is about life and light. And from life and light spring hope, peace, forgiveness, and healing.

Suffering and pain are the natural by-products of a world infected by sin and evil. Our finite attempts to explain the depth of their impact will always fall short. We can't try and soften how sinister the darkness is. But what we can do is point people to the light. Light tends to shine more clearly in the darkness. Life is sweeter in the face of death.

For those who have felt the wrath of the darkness in recent days, Christmas morning - a time when many will awake to celebrate - will be marred by grief, pain, and suffering. And yet there is a bigger story that goes beyond opening gifts and spending time with family and friends. There is a story of life and light. There is the story of a God who does not remain removed from the darkness but enters the darkness in order to provide light and life.

This Christmas I will pause to pray for people I do not even know who are living under the weight of darkness in a way I can't even imagine. I will pray that somehow amidst their tragedy, they will experience the light and life that Jesus brings.  And I will long for that day when darkness has no more power to destroy.

Darkness doesn't win. It can't. The fate of darkness was sealed when the Light entered the world to remove its sting through His own death.  In the meantime, let's pray for those who feel death's temporary grip this holiday season. And let's take a moment to speak life and light into the lives and hearts of those God has placed in our story. 

My Thankful List

On this designated "thankful" day, a few particular blessings come to mind:

- Ashley. Statistics say we will not make it - grace says otherwise. I love you.

- Kayleigh, Ragan, and Zac.  I have never loved you more deeply and felt more pride in who God has created you to be. I love each of you more than life.

- Jesus. "It's all because of Jesus I'm alive" has never had more meaning in my life.

- Provision. God has provided above and beyond what I deserve. 

- Grace. It is the thread that weaves my life.

- Hope. I have tasted life without it and now I live life in it.

- Second Chances. My life is marked by them.

- Redemption. The story of the Bible has become my story.

- Small Moments and Things.  I am learning to cherish what I once took for granted.

- Freedom. Condemnation's grip has been released by love's liberating power.

I cannot even begin to describe how far God has brought us this year. His limitless grace and healing knows no bounds. While our exact future remains unclear, what is certain is that He is bigger that our past, failures, and uncertainties.

Happy Thanksgiving.